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Regrets Only

September 10, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

This post really has nothing to do with manners and everything to do with forgiveness

Or maybe it does.

Manners – a way in which a thing is done, a person’s outward bearing                                      or way of behaving towards others.

For some reason, this phrase, Regrets Only, has been haunting me, dogging me for months.

A few months ago I read a book, Before You Wake: Life Lessons from a Father to his Children, by Erick Erickson, who is considered by some to be the “most powerful conservative in America today” (The Atlantic), not someone I would typically read!

This is not a book review by any means but one paragraph has stuck with me, hence my obsession with Regrets Only.

“What I have learned about regret is we either control it or it controls us. What we do with regret is part of what makes us. We either learn lessons and move on or we let it weigh us down. Life is too short to hold on to things. It is too short not to forgive, because forgiving others means they can no longer control you. Life is too short to be buried by regrets. Learn the lessons from what you regret and move on. Appreciate what you have. Find the silver lining. Above all else, show others the grace and mercy they may not show you. There will be others who will never forgive. They will not forget. They will remind you and call you a hypocrite. But you must show them grace. It elevates you, and it is a reminder that we all do things we should not.” (p67)

Why is it so hard for some to say they’re sorry, to ask for forgiveness, to look for that silver lining (and yes, I know sometimes you have to look really, really hard), to let those regrets go, to move on?

I, for one, am choosing to let those old hurts and regrets go. Life really is too short.

“Forgiveness is the magnet which draws your endless good. It wipes clean the slate of the past to let you receive in the present.” Catherine Ponder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

R.S.V.P or Regrets Only … Perhaps a Metaphor for Life

August 29, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

My mother, Martha Wills, would have been 98 yesterday and even though she moved on 26 years ago, I still remember her so clearly saying on the day my first child was born, “Good manners are the best gift you can give your child.  They don’t cost you anything; it just as easy to say please or thank you or look a person in the eye as not too, but you get so much mileage from that.”

And though I hate to admit, that advice came over 40 years ago, it could not be more true today than it was then.

Manners – a way in which a thing is done, a person’s outward bearing                                                  or way of behaving towards others.

Whether it’s a firm handshake or looking someone in the eye, whether it’s a handwritten thank you note or a please or a thank you or an “I’m so grateful” or an  apology, wouldn’t you like to be on the receiving end? So is it really that hard to be on the giving end?

Respondez, s’il vous plait. Please respond. Yes, I know this is about responding to or regretting a social invitation but why not think about it in terms of how you choose to live your life, how you choose to interact, or not, with others.

If someone pushes your button, take a couple deep calming breaths and say silently to yourself:

Breathing in, I choose to Respond.  Breathing out, Not React.

More on Regrets Only next time but for now consider the Golden Rule from the Brahman/Hindu translation,

This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause                                    you pain if done to you.         Mahabharata 5:1517.

 

Who’s in Charge? Owning Your Health

August 9, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

Adelle Davis, nutritionist and author, and considered by many to be “the Mother of Nutrition”, wrote in 1947, yes, that’s 1947!

As I see it, everyday you do one of two things, build health or produce disease in yourself

Almost 20 years ago, long before Dr. Oz wrote his book You, The Owners Manual (2005), I took a work shop about owning your health and the lessons have stayed with me all these years.

Bottom line: You invest in a 401K or an IRA for your future financial health but what are you doing for your future physical health because what good is your money if you’re sick and miserable and in pain?

Ask yourself this question: What am I doing every day to build/maintain my health or to destroy it?

Think OWNERS

Oxygen (clean air/breathing properly)

Water (quantity/quality)

Nutrition (real food/eating organically, locally, seasonally even supplements)

Energy (exercise/movement/increase your vibration)

Relaxation (meditation/yoga/mind-body practices like Tai Chi)

S (sleep/stillness)

Some friends think I’m crazy for where I spend my time, energy and resources but I think Thomas Jefferson had it right in 1826 when he wrote,

Without health there is no happiness. An attention to health, then should take the place of every other object

 

A Drought, No Doubt, or Maybe Not

July 25, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

 

Drought: 1) a period of dryness 2) an extended shortage

It has been almost exactly two, yes two, years since I posted here or even looked at this website for that matter.

I could come up with all sorts of excuses and reasons for the drought but, in fact, there is no blame to place.

While some may see this gap as a drought, I see it as a gift that I’m very grateful for.

I’m busy. I’m a multi-tasker. I’m a doer. But then I realized all that busyness was just a form of procrastination.

Procrastination: The act of postponing, delaying or putting off, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

or Fear

Like I said, I’m a multi-tasker and always on the go. And then I found a gem of a book, called The Power of Receiving by Amanda Owen. I spent most of my time in what Amanda calls Active States. Persuading, Doing, Analyzing, Talking, Thinking, Evaluating, Controlling and the list goes on.

Sound familiar anyone?

“When you rely almost exclusively on activity, your will is overtaxed. There is no replenishment time. It’s easy to see this in the person who is constantly on the go. Eventually the body, emotions or the mind tend to rebel. The body may become sick, the emotions frazzled or the mind scattered. It’s like trying to keep a bunch of balls in the air all the time. It’s exhausting” (p31)

For the past two years, I’ve been spending as much time as I can learning about and being in Receptive States. Meditating, Allowing, Observing, Listening, Welcoming, Feeling Grateful. And of course, feeling feelings, those touchy feely, sometimes painful things that most of us try to ignore.

While the past two years may have been a drought of posts, they have been an oasis for me.

Oasis: 1) A fertile or green spot in a desert or wasteland, made so by the presence of water 2) A situation or place preserved from surrounding unpleasantness; a refuge: an oasis of serenity amid chaos.

It certainly has not been a drought of learning, writing, exploring, growing, changing and gratitude.

 

 

 

 

The Golden Rule

August 4, 2016 By admin Leave a Comment

A family member has chosen to launch an attack on our family in a public forum under the guise of a “lyrical essay”. It has taken me hours of internal wrestling this week not to launch the nuclear codes because someone said unkind things about my family, hence me.

So my response to my hurt feelings, to my family member and to anyone and everyone (including Donald) is my own “lyrical essay” on The Golden Rule

With all the recent talk about civility (or lack there of), I could not help but think of The Golden Rule. The awful things people say to each other, and about each other, these days makes me cringe. I believe you can be honest and critical without being hurtful, without taking cheap shots. The pent up hostility and anger of so many is rather scary.

And then I think of The Golden Rule. What if just for today you were slow to anger, you were kind, you remembered The Golden Rule?”

Did you know that every religion/culture has the exact same Golden Rule? For example, in the Buddhist Udana-Varga,” Hurt not others in ways that you yourself find hurtful”. In the Islamic Sunnah, “No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself”. In the New Testament, Matthew 7:12, “All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the prophets”. And my favorite, because there is so much commentary these days, every one has to have the last word, from the Talmud, Shabbat, “What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man. That is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary”.

Just imagine if The Golden Rule became the law of man, think what it would do for your stress levels, your health, your family, the world?”

While I’m sure most of you are familiar with the great American illustrator and painter, Norman Rockwell, I was not familiar with his painting The Golden Rule until I visited The Norman Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge MA this past June. The GIMG_2184[1]olden Rule appeared on the cover of The Saturday Evening Post on April 1, 1961 and was reimagined as a mosaic and given to the United Nations from the United States in 1985. Rockwell was a compassionate man and considered himself to be a “citizen of the world”. I work everyday to become one as well and use this picture as a reminder.

 

 

 

Easy Stress Relieving Tip (and believe me, I did this a lot this week): Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thick Nhat Hanh, one of my favorite authors, has a mantra, Breathing In I am calming myself, Breathing Out I am smiling, Breathing In I am determined to practice deep listening. Breathing Out I am determined to practice loving speech.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Life and Death of a Family Friend …..and Some Lessons Learned

March 3, 2016 By admin Leave a Comment

Sasha joined our family on September 7, 2001 after I lost the battle with my strong willed, then 7 year old, daughter Martha. We’d been visiting the local shelters for a month looking for a young dog, NOT a puppy. I knew we’d “know” when we found our dog. Martha pushed and prodded for us to just look at this one puppy she’d discovered. Big ears, big feet, covered in poop and those speckled socks that never ceased to charm all who met her, I picked up this 4 month old Australian Shepherd mix who immediately leaned in to me, laid her head on my shoulder and my heart melted.

IMG_1687[3] copy

14 ½ years later my heart is melting again as we bid our dear friend farewell.

Sasha had been rescued from a barn at 6 weeks but this “kill” shelter didn’t follow protocol knowing that July and August are slow months for placing animals and that she was special, that she would find her forever home.

 

From the beginning she was always where the family was, sometimes inconveniently in the bathroom, and remained slim and trim from herding dogs and kids at the park and following everyone up and down stairs multiple times a day until she couldn’t.

 

Sashawestva

She loved her excursions to the woods in West VA and the beach. She loved the car until she didn’t when she could no longer get in on her own.

 

 

But we got one last fun visit to the beach where she ran on the beach forgetting for a bit her failing legs.FullSizeRenderbeach[6]

She never met a person or a dog she didn’t like. She greeted all with a wagging tail, a sniff and a kiss.

 

 

At 7 she was hit by a car in front of our house. It was my fault. I was talking to a neighbor across the street and Sasha darted across the street to say hello as well. Several ruptured organs, several surgeries (don’t ask the cost, it was money well spent) but she made a full recovery with the caveat that this type of traumatic injury would shorten her life. She had another healthy 7 years, comfortable and fully ambulatory until she wasn’t. First the hearing went, then the vision, then the back legs, then the will to make the trips upstairs to sleep by our bed or to get in the car.

We have been preparing for this day since September when she couldn’t stand on her own. With the help of steroids, she has had a comfortable and good, not great, 5 months but steroids wreak havoc on one’s hormones and liver. This week we knew the time had come to say goodbye.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

I have been blessed by her presence. We all need a dog to teach us a few lessons to make us better people, better parents, better friends. Patience (with unruly kittens and toddlers), Loyalty (always waiting at the door), Forgiveness (“All is Forgiven, I Still Love You” her beautiful brown eyes always said to me, even when I’d acted out in frustration or anger), Play (work is overrated, play ball and have some fun, play with our wonderful mailman Louis who patiently put one letter at a time through the mail slot for her to grab but never destroy) and, of course, Love.

Unable are the loved to die for love is immortality.” Emily Dickinson

 Our pets provide some of the happiest moments in our lives and their unconditional love and loyalty ease us through some of our unhappiest moments. 14 years in a family are an awful lot of ups and downs, wins and losses and transitions and milestones. A four legged friend makes them all better, easier, happier or less painful and I am grateful for each one she shared with us.

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” Rumi, 13th c Persian poet & theologian

I am grateful that we did not have to make a final car ride, that our gentle and kind vet came to us so that our sweet Sasha drifted away peacefully in the home she has so enriched.

IMG_1720[5]

 The song is ended but the melody lingers on.” Irving Berlin

 

Today May Be For Lovers But Everyday Should Be For Love

February 15, 2016 By admin Leave a Comment

Today is a day for love. Advertising and businesses and the media have told us, trained us, brainwashed us that today is the day for love and lovers.

Forget it. Everyday is a day for love, for loving kindness, or at least it should be.

One kind word can warm three winter months.” Japanese Proverb

Forget the candy. Forget the cards. Forget the present or the fancy dinner.

A kind word is the greatest gift. A gift you can give and receive everyday, even to yourself. The gift that keeps on giving.

You can search through out the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and affection.” Gautama Buddha

LET THE SUN SHINE IN

February 11, 2016 By admin Leave a Comment

In the good old days before Edison’s invention of the light bulb, our lives modeled nature. We rose with the sun and went to bed when it was dark. In the shorter days of winter we rested and restored like the trees that drop their leaves, slow down and send their energy down into their roots or like the animals who hibernate.

Liberman explains clearly throughout his book, Light: The Future of Medicine,  “how the cycles of human lives relate to the cycles of our environment” or at least should and that we are designed to respond to them just as plants and animals do. However, since we now live in a 24/7 world that never goes to sleep, it has become harder and harder to honor our natural rhythms, cycles and seasons. This modern day lifestyle of working indoors, artificial light, sunglasses, sunscreen, not slowing down in the winter time in spite of the shorter hours of sunlight has led to millions feeling down and out in the winter time, the “winter blues”.

What was “once a time of year when nature assisted our inner growth by supporting us in going into the unlit aspects of our souls, has now become a time of depression and sadness dreaded by many.”

French physician, J.F. Cauvin, wrote his PhD thesis on the benefits of sunlight for the “sad and weak” in 1815 (p121). As the human population expanded northward away from equator combined with the onset of industrialization (cities, artificial light, working indoors), the reports of a winter melancholy grew. Northeast snowbirds going to FL in the 20th c have nothing on the northern Europeans traveling to the south of France and Italy in the 19th c. Intuitively humans have known they need light even if they didn’t understand why.

Symptoms such as depression, sleeping more, eating more, gaining weight, decreased libido, personality changes, decreased energy, poor concentration, social withdrawl, brain fog and fatigue are typical of what was simply called the “winter blues” but it wasn’t until 1980-1981 that we understood the physiological reason for these mood changes and a name was actually given to this group of symptoms.

In 1980 we finally understood the importance of melatonin secreted by the pineal gland. Dr.’s Alfred Lewy and Thomas Wehr “discovered that bright light could suppress the nighttime secretion of melatonin” while working at the NIH’s Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). This discovery led to the conclusion that bright artificial light could counter balance the effects of the shorter days of winter and that if our moods are regulated by melatonin and our melatonin is regulated by the pineal and the pineal is regulated by light then our best anti-depressant is light .

At about the same time, Dr. Norman Rosenthal, a psychiatrist, put a name to this group of symptoms who was also working at the NIMH. This melancholy that had been referred to in literature since the early 1800’s was named Seasonal Affective Disorder in 1981. Not only did Rosenthal and his team name this disorder but pioneered the use of “light therapy” for it’s treatment.

Since the majority of sufferers (and the estimate is around 25-35 million Americans) are not likely to make all the lifestyle changes that could alleviate the symptoms such as moving to the tropics, a light box used primarily in the morning hours that mimics the sun at high noon can help reset the body’s clock and increase the production of serotonin. “Bright light treatment has been scientifically documented by so many different controlled studies internationally that it is considered the treatment of choice for SAD” (p124).

Lack of light has psychological effects beyond wintertime SAD. Non seasonal depression, eating disorders particularly bulimia, addictions, detoxification and withdrawl, PMS emotional symptoms and plain old garden variety stress and anxiety all respond to the introduction of bright light and are most likely caused or at least worsened by the lack of light.

New York psychiatrist Victor Frankel in the 1960’s (years before melatonin and the pineal gland were given their rightful place of importance and SAD was acknowledged as real) found different colored lights triggered memories and stress and that the right (for that individual) colored lights relieved and removed the negative memories and stress. He hypothesized that “removing stress from the mind not only reduces disease but also unleashes human creativity”.

Quite by accident in the early 1970’s Dr. Irving Geller, a Texas pharmacologist, discovered what he called, “darkness induced drinking phenomenon”. When a light timing device broke in his lab that didn’t turn the lights on and off as programmed, his rats went on alcohol drinking binges. Further studies showed increased levels of melatonin lead to an increased desire for alcohol. Now we know why cocktail lounges are always so dim and dark!

Some may think love makes the world go round as the song says, but is truly is Light that makes your world go round.

 

The body is the most brilliant computer that was ever designed. There will never be a computer smarter than the human body. Given the proper encouragement and the proper information, the body heals itself.” Hanna Kroeger, ND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CLEARING CLUTTER FOR CLARITY

February 1, 2016 By admin Leave a Comment

I haven’t had one idea, one “ah ha moment” or an inkling for what to write about for months until today.

What do I blame the block on? CLUTTER.

I am not a hoarder; I’m not even a collector of “collectibles” and my tabletops and counters are basically clear except for my home office. I have an office and a desk that are dragging me down with piles of so many interesting articles I want to read and write about and bills to file (fortunately they are all paid) and taxes to organize and new and old photos that need a home. You get the picture.

I am the poster child for Cluttered Environment/Cluttered Mind.

I don’t know about you, but my biggest stressor is disorganization and clutter. It gives me headaches, makes me tired, unmotivated and feeling scattered.

I’m not the only one in the house who can’t let things go which simply compounds the problem. Do you have unfinished work, unfinished projects, unanswered mail, magazines, catalogues, fat clothes, skinny clothes, books to read or reread? Do you have duplicates or triplicates of things? How about the 20 packs of sandpaper we discovered when cleaning our garage or the new in box keyboard in a storage box labeled Home Improvements.

Whatever it is that you have too much of, it’s like carrying an extra 25 lbs that your body doesn’t want or need.  It weighs you down, tires you out and definitely cramps your style.

Years ago I read the book Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks and the title of one chapter has stuck with me, haunted me, for years: Clearing Clutter for Clarity. I know it, I believe it and yet I still have so much trouble letting things go. Don’t we all?

You’ve got to get rid of something in order to make room for some thing new, literally and figuratively.

When we clear the physical clutter from out lives, we literally make way for good, orderly direction to enter.”                                        Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

Yes, the time has come to face what I’ve been procrastinating about for way too long. What if I get rid of it and I need it sometime? I don’t have  enough time. No more excuses.

There are many helpful books on clearing clutter for clarity including The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo (45 weeks on the best seller list) and many incredible professional organizers but they weren’t what got me going at 7pm on a Saturday night.

The key to my success was good music and no internet or email or cell phone.

Did you know that the feel good, pleasure related hormone dopamine is released when you listen to your favorite music? A Canadian study from McGill University found that dopamine is released as soon as we think about our favorite tunes.

I had such fun listening to some of my favorite Motown music that the time flew by.

Books to donate, a large bag of trash, 4 bags of paper for the recycling truck on Monday, an empty shelf, an empty drawer and this post. Not bad for less than 4 hours.

How do I feel? Lighter, clearer, more focused and ready to tackle a closet or two tomorrow.

Out of clutter, find simplicity.” Albert Einstein

 

 

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

August 18, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Is this article in today’s Washington Post a “Known Unknown” or an “Unknown Unknown”. I think the latter. But I am always excited to learn about both.

The benefits of LED Light Therapy for reducing pain and increasing circulation are a Known Unknown.

“Known unknowns result from phenomena which are recognized, but poorly understood. On the other hand, unknown unknowns are phenomena which cannot be expected because there has been no prior experience or theoretical basis for expecting the phenomena.”

The benefits of LED Light Therapy are known and recognized in scientific circles and include many 100’s of studies on LLLT (low level light therapy)  but are mostly unknown by the general public.

This exciting discovery about the brain’s lymphatic system…..meaning the brain has a way to get the garbage out……is an Unknown Unknown….new to everyone.

What is particularly exciting to me is the possibility that this Unknown Unknown may enable a Known Unknown (that light therapy increases circulation wherever the light is placed) to become a Known Known  (red and near infrared light therapy can penetrate the skull, increasing circulation to the brain, bringing nutrients in and taking garbage out, alleviating the symptoms of many problems affecting the brain).

“Scientists find the brain’s missing ‘pipes’ by Amy Ellis Nutt

brainimages

“Throw out the textbooks” and “missing link” are words rarely heard anymore in science, but that’s what researchers around the world are saying about the recent discovery of microscopic lymphatic vessels connecting the brain to the immune system…….Click to read more…….. Scientists find the brain’s missing ‘pipes’

 

 

 

“Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns- the ones we don’t know we don’t know.” 
― Donald Rumsfeld, 2002

 

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